(Written 9/27/2024)
Yknow how when your in like. Middle school. And you get to talking about suicide? At least I had the experience, where we learned about how to be compassionate towards people who thought of it. I always thought it sounded like a nasty word. "Suicide" dosent describe the despair they probably felt before hand, the fear before they did it, and the sobbing at what they'd miss. I also thought "I'd never. My lifes too happy! Even if it was sad, why would I ever think of doing it anyway?"
Ive been thinking of killing myself for the past 3 weeks now. Thanks Calculus. Im doing better now. I guess. I have a contingency where i'll simply gamble my life away on creative projects and endavors. (After moving out of course. This house is driving me insane enough already) When the money runs out from there.. I dunno. Wander the streets and slowly starve to death. Or maybe the money wont run out. I dont know. Ive grown exhausted of awknowledging it at this point.
I dont know what i'll do with myself if I fail this class and cant get anymore funding. I have lots of projects to latch onto. One thats making decent progress. Ive gone off the cuff of what this post was meant to be, and I guess thats just. Enjoy your life. Live it to the fullest. Beacause when it is you, when you do think about it, and god forbid go through with it, the least you can have is enjoying what you had before it.
(Written 8/21/2024, at 11:21AM EST)
I wish I could go back to the year I was born. Or even as much as 5 years ago. I'd want to stay the same age, have the same house, same family. Be the same person I am... I just wish things were like how they were.
Its not even out of nostaliga. I dont miss what I had back then, nor do I really remember it much. I remember going to school. Playing games, making friends... just the general basics of what I did. Im more of a "if you remind me i'll remember" kind of guy. Thats not the point though.
I mean.. things have just. Gone to shit in the world. I feel like im shit. Everything seems to be crumbling around me at a faster and faster pace each year. I feel like my friend group is drifting apart, one that ive grown to love and enjoy over the past 3 years. I couldnt give them up and live to tell the tale, to be truthful. We've gone through so much together... hell, even things as small as stopping from going to my grannies every Monday seems like a massive blow to me. I feel like I wouldnt survive it if we stopped going for whatever reason.
Is this my autism that my family constantly denies I have (despite being diagnosed with it when I was 8) talking? I dont know. Maybe ive just grown pessimistic from a lifetime of bad news and happenings ive just... grown bitter and reliant on old schedules. I want things to be the same way they are forever, with a bit of space to move about during the day.
i cant adjust to a new normal. not again.
(Written 8/12/2024, at 11:38AM EST)
I'll just be blunt with this. I think my parents hate me. I dont know why. I couldnt tell you, the worst ive done is maybe say some weird things and not been the best at cleaning / doing chores pretty consistently. But im just bad at those kinds of things. Im trying my best and im not being lazy or "rushing" as my stepmom always likes to put it.
I think this for many reasons. The most recent example was when I asked my stepmom if I could clean an hour earlier than I usually do, since it conflicted with times that I like to stream, and I figured that starting on cleaning earlier would give me more time to be uninterupted. To which, before I could even state my reasoning, I got the answer of "no cuz things get dirty and i'll start going insane again". I asked to clean an hour earlier than usual. 1 whole fucking hour. I figured you'd be elated I wanted to take a little intiative and not wait until 8PM to do all the fucking cleaning, but nope.
Oh and trust me, I know thats a tame example. There was a time where she yelled and screamed at me in public and I began to freak out and hyperventilate. This was a few years ago, but I specifically remember her telling me to "have a panic attack" and then continue screaming at me and force me to take pictures with the family like nothing had happened. There was also a time the very same day she gave me the bullshit response about cleaning, where I had come downstairs after my brothers started screaming and yelling a little loud. It gave me a headache, so I came downstairs for a few minutes to get away from it, and as I was sitting on the couch, my stepmom made a comment about how im "loud" when I talk with my friends and that my brothers deal with it.
That pissed me off so bad. Very rarely do I actually yell with my friends, I may laugh loudly, but any other time im at my normal fucking voice level. My younger brother was straight up screaming at the top of his lungs when this happened, but IM the loud one? And when I (natrually) got pissed and started to go back upstairs, she said she's just "stating facts".
This is on top of the fact I do fucking 70% of the chores around here that my brothers used to do. I now do all of the fucking cleaning downstairs at 8PM, where as my brothers "pick up toys" and one of them walks the dogs. My total list of shit I have to do is:
- Walk the dog twice a day
- Take out the trash up to 3+ times a day and if its a trash day, roll all 3 up to the curb
- Clean the 3 bathrooms in the house
- Wash the dishes
- Wipe down the counters downstairs everyday
- Sweep the entire upstairs hallway + stairs
- Sweep the entire first floor of the house
And these motherfuckers will STILL have the balls to say I do nothing but sit on my ass all day! Oh, and if I lightly fuck any of them up, they just assume I didnt do it and when I try to tell them I did, I just clearly missed something, I get a bunch of fucking shit for it which inevitably consumates in me not having my 1 fucking source of joy in this world, the internet. It dosent help they over analyze everything to shit so that if I do miss like a small patch of dust, they will fucking find it.
What makes it even worse, is I feel like I cant turn to my mom either. She's constantly dropping hints about ways she wants me to think, and I cant feel like her love is fucking geniuene anymore. Is it so much to ask to be loved by at least one of my fucking parents? For any of them to geniuenely love me and not for their own gain?
DOUBLY worse is that any time I fuck up with my stepmoms bullshit chore list, she threatens to make me go to school and get a full time job, and do these fucking chores! Daily! So, you fat pig, heres what those options leave me with! Its either A: I drop out of school, which will just lead me to getting kicked out of the house or having to pay a rent thats so exoborinately high knowing you that you'll fucking kick me out for failing to pay rent anyway, or B: I will be under so much exhaustion and turmoil that after 2 years of an arraingment, i'll fucking kiss the pavement as a red mist, or C: I'll kill myself for that reason, or some other reason as apparentlly the universe likes to hand deliver me reasons to on a fucking silver platter!
I just want someone to love me platonically. (I am aro). For someone to care about me like that. What'd I do to make that so much to fucking ask for. You go and rennovate our garage and spend 20k dollars for my sister to live in it, only for her to dump a baby on you and go out every day to party. She dosent even pay rent. Do I need to do that? Leave to be on my own for awhile and then come back and be a bitch to ya'll? Is that what you fucking want?
Is what I want. Really. So much to ask.